Its like a hoarder’s house in my head

I have so much piling up and much like a hoarder, unless you’re in my head or made privy to my thoughts, you’d never know its there.

I’ve been stressed because of work lately. I’ve been fully booked every day since before Christmas. This is simply not something I can do long term. Additionally, I was promised Sundays off when I got hired. Well, I’m working two Sundays this month and every Sunday next month. My managers book poorly too. Any groomer will tell you that when booking, a large or hairy or especially difficult dog will count as two. Today I have four large dogs, one of which is a chow (so very hair), and two are so difficult they require muzzles nearly the entire time (including bath). I also have a small dog. You do the math in terms of what that counts as. I max out at 6, remember.

I also find myself not enjoying grooming nearly as much because of this. Like I said in my previous post, maybe if I had more control over booking or setting prices (we way undercharge), I’d be happier. So my depression is especially bad and I am having anxiety attacks daily.

I mentioned to husband last night about the anxiety attacks and his response was an incredulous, “why? you have no reason to feel that way”. Ouch. Worse than him not understanding is him invalidating my experiences. I tried explaining that sometimes with mental illness there is no reason for the feelings, they just are. He didn’t like that answer.

I have been considering looking for a new job when my vacation starts. I have no direction, though, no idea what I want. I suck at schooling, I get distracted and lose focus. I lose dedication very easily and am inpatient. I want to be a detective but being completely honest, I don’t want to go through being a cop for several years and the process of waiting to even get in the police academy is almost a year by itself. I don’t think I can’t handle this for a full year.

This got me reflecting on my veterinary experience. I took a break from full time grooming and worked at a vet’s office. I started as an assistant and was working towards vet tech school. I was hired with this knowledge that my employers and my doctors there would be my mentors. It was a team of four who would be teaching me on the ground (it was a distance ed thing). I was so dedicated, I worked so hard for that job, for that education. The doctors were nice and answered questions I had, but had little to do in the way of mentorship. The two managers/vet techs were my real mentors and they knew this. I got yelled at for allowing the new girl to take an appointment when one of her’s cancelled. I got written up and accused of lying, when there was just a miscommunication. They would not hear otherwise and continued to question my character. I was repeatedly pulling teeth to get the opportunity to learn new things when the two assistants (who had been there longer but were not paying to learn to be vet techs) always learned things and became proficient before i got the opportunity to try. I was regularly not included in social gatherings. I had to do a video showcasing many things I’d learned to send to my teachers at the college. After filming, one mentor said, “I’d fail you for that, I don’t know why they’d pass you,” without offering any help or real criticism. That was the day my spirit was broken and I made the decision to drop out. I finished the semester I paid for, but really I just half assed it, my heart wasn’t in it. They had one job and they failed me and the way I was talked to and treated i would argue counts as emotional abuse. They see nothing wrong with it to this day.

I was ready to complete an education and work hard for this. Vet tech stuff is so interesting to me still. But they ruined that.

I don’t know where i will go with my life now. Frankly, I went back to grooming after that because it was a skill I knew. I know nothing else.

It occurred to me last night: if I wasn’t married or had animals, I would have killed myself a long time ago. The idea of my animals having nowhere to go and my husband having the burden of all this by himself is the one thing keeping me here right now. I hope that stays enough.

I am not in a good place right now. I hope it gets better soon.

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3 thoughts on “Its like a hoarder’s house in my head

  1. One of the most challenging things for me is people and their lack of understanding, like your husband. I know it’s not their fault, how can they relate if they don’t feel such things? One of the worst things to hear is “well just stop feeling it.” Or what your husband says, that there’s no reason for it. In truth, I agree with them. But the reality is obviously not so. If I could stop my god I would.
    So mostly in life I’m silent about it.

    Like

    1. I am generally the same way. Most people don’t get it. My husband recently had said he feels like I don’t open up to him but it is very hard to open up when it yields responses like that. It’s difficult to talk about mental illness when people view it as logical because frankly it is anything but.

      Liked by 1 person

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