When everyone knows but no one really understands

I got through the final few days at work. It hurt, a lot, but I did it. Then the inlaws were in town. We didn’t get much heads up there. It was also my dad’s birthday this weekend so we had that. As someone who always hits maximum introvert on any credible MBTI test, this was exhausting. Yesterday was, for me, the first real day off. And yet.

MiL wanted me to drop everything and drive four hours with her for a meeting for the business today. We’d drive an additional hour and a half back to her house afterwards (note: meeting is at 8pm, so we’re talking driving all afternoon and again later at night) and stay the night before returning back down here tomorrow. The whole point of the Skype meeting last week was to not have to do this. Plus, and more importantly, she gave me less than 24 hours notice for this. It doesn’t matter that its my vacation, I make plans and my anxiety makes it so that this sudden let’s do a trip thing sends me over the edge. Add to this that while we were trying to get her to understand why this is not happening, we were dealing with my neighbor’s dog. Intact male pittie, sweet but very scared, left outside all day with no shelter at all, no water, no leash or fence. Owners weren’t home because they use the house as a day care, they don’t live there. It was raining all day. The dog was too scared to come close but kept wandering in the street and other yards. Animal Control was closed because of memorial day so I had to take pictures and email them and hope they do a welfare check soon. Finally, she agrees to just Skype me in tonight.

She knows I have severe depression and anxiety, we’ve been over this. She has very mild depression. She doesn’t get it though. We tried impressing on her that I need at least 4 days notice if she needs me to do a meeting/trip thing. I have other things in life even when I’m not working. I’m getting stuff together for con (finishing cosplay, working out itenerary, etc), eye appt, doc appt, hanging out with my sister, etc.

Husband told me (before we got the “lets just skype it” text) I should just “suck it up and suffer it out” because “its easier”. That was his response to my job woes grooming too. Shit like this makes me want to lay in traffic.

And being perfectly honest, my mental health is in a very bad place. I take Ativan almost every night to stop panic attacks so I can sleep. My Brintellix doesn’t work. My doc won’t see me until next Tuesday (“My antidepressant isn’t working at all anymore and I need to see her as soon as possible” “Her next available is Tuesday the 7th” That was LAST THURSDAY I called). Con is the one thing holding me together at the moment. And if this job with MiL doesn’t work out and I’m stuck grooming… well, we’ve got a major problem on our hands.

I had hoped being more open and aware about my mental illness would help stuff. It has not so far. This is discouraging.


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