When the sun is shining but a hurricane seems to be floating over your head

“You have no reason to feel that way”

“But what’s wrong?”

“What could possibly be that upsetting? You’re on vacation”

All sentences I’ve heard this week. I’m on my two week vacation and my depression and anxiety are peaking. I can barely fall asleep at night, even with my Ativan (which usually knocks me out in the event of a panic attack). My Brintellix is all but worthless. And my doctor won’t see me until Tuesday. Frankly, the idea of trying a new medication while I am twelve hours away at a convention without my husband (I’ll be with new friends I met online, who I am excited to see no doubt, but am still anxious about), for four days, two of which are a weekend is daunting at best.Not good.

My first work day at my new job went well. So that’s good.

Never heard from my sister who I was supposed to see today. Not good.

Con is fastly approaching my and my outfit looks great. Good.

I only made $400 for two weeks of hell grooming. Not good.

I will be making great money at new job. Good.

I booked myself two crazy doodles who together have been groomed 5 times total, and they are over a year old, on Sunday. Not good.

I wanted to push them until after vacation but them I work all weekend for a month. Every day the business is open, I work, and I just started that new job too. Overextending myself. Not good.

I play this back and forth in my head. I’m hoping my brain will see life is not exclusively ‘not good’s one day. Maybe.

Its sunny outside and I just want to bury my face in a pillow because its too bright, because it doesn’t feel fitting.


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