Can nobody hear me?

He still hates the piercing. Its been two weeks and he’s called it gross and pointless several times. I gave myself and undercut. He flipped shit. Said I wasn’t interested in being the woman he met (reminder: I was 14 when we met) and that it looks stupid and lopsided. I then cut the rest of my hair bob length. It looks better that way. Guess what, he hates that too. Said not to ask what he thinks about my appearance because “if I can’t say something nice I won’t say anything”. Said “my opinion clearly doesn’t matter”. So, fan-fucking-tastic. He had a fit when I turned down sex again the other night. I ended up just doing last night so he wouldn’t fuss again. I didn’t get off, I wasn’t even aroused, not at all. He didn’t seem to care. Hopefully this will hold him off for a while. Two nights in a row he didn’t kiss me goodnight.

I love him, but frankly, I don’t think our marriage is working. That scares the hell out of me. I don’t know what to do with that. I think he’s in denial. I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore. I thought it was just no sex drive but my friends and I were sending nudes the other day to each other and I was really fucking turned on looking at one of them. This is a nightmare. I spoke to my sister a little bit about it. I asked her not to tell my parents.

I’ve found myself considering what I’d do if this does end up falling apart. Move. Richmond, Baltimore, Philly, NYC, LA, hell, maybe Harrisonburg. Just away. A city. I’d probably go back to grooming honestly. Live in a flat. I’d want the cat, he’d probably take the dogs realistically. We’d have to sell the house. I’d be so poor. I hate that I’ve put this much thought into it. I hate all of this. I feel like my life is falling apart. Then the depression sinks in and I become suicidal again.

This is bad. This is very bad. I want to talk to him about it, but I’m so scared that if I do, it will make it happen. I don’t know how I feel or what I want anymore.


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