I don’t remember when it was I last wrote. Its been at least a month.

My mental health is rapidly declining. My parents disowned me, said all these homophobic things (they don’t know I’m pan) and how witchcraft is work of the devil (I practice now) and basically how everything is my fault. Mom brought up things I said when I was 12 to hold against me. Got my dad and sister against me too. Aunts as well. I blocked everyone on facebook after the election because things were getting out of hand. I changed my url and blocked all family friends. I was trying to keep up the idea that I deleted my facebook. It was kinder than saying “you’re a bunch of assholes so I unfriended you”. They pushed and stalked and found out the truth and blew up on me. I couldn’t get out of bed. Now they’re trying to play nice. Husband can’t understand why I don’t forgive them. I can’t. I morally can’t. Our relationship is severed. I maintain the illusion because they are his boss and nothing more.

Of course, relationship with husband has also been slowly going downhill. It breaks my heart because I’ve put so much of my life into this marriage. I care about him. He tries a little on occasion. But he doesn’t see how its broken. Its not fullfilling anymore. Its slowly unravelling and frankly I don’t have the balls to end it before then.

I need to see a psychiatrist. Badly. I was in bed sobbing, suicidal, the other night. This is not okay. I have to wait until after the new year too.

 

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