Where now?

I’m still learning to feel correctly. What it means to feel normal, and how to trust when feelings start becoming extreme and what they mean. I spent so long with extremes that I stopped trusting their weight.

I guess I should stop speaking in riddles and hypotheticals and shit. I’m not happy at my job. I left grooming because it was too much, the hours and the workload. I am working for my mother in law. She doesn’t live around here, which is nice. I get paid well, sixteen an hour, to help with her app and be at her beckon at any moment. Oh, and go on trips with her. But I am not doing a lot, and what she keeps asking me to do, I can’t. If I don’t have access to certain things (like the facebook because someone else set that up), then I’m shit out of luck. And trips with her are beyond draining. This app, its not something I give two fucks about either. Its medical charting for specialists. She literally called me up and told me (didn’t ask if the dates were fine) I’m going to San Antonio with her on cinco de mayo weekend. Oh, and if the sister in law has her baby around then, I have to go alone and present the product by myself. Please kill me. I realize how much I hate this, how worthless I feel. I don’t have the skills to do software stuff otherwise. I don’t do school, never finished my degree for a reason. The one thing I enjoyed, well, I’d have to give up a lot to go back to, and I’d need to try the school thing again which is daunting. Vet tech stuff. So I have no drive or pull in any particular direction. I can write, but there’s no decently paying writing gigs for folks who don’t have degrees. I’d love to work at a tattoo studio, but no one is hiring unless you are an artist specifically, and thats not me, I can’t art well.

I feel lost. I’m realizing how… truly worthless I am. And its damn scary.


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