Small steps

I haven’t known what to say here. N and I are becoming closer friends because of all this. She’s having the exact same issues I am with her significant other.

Our anniversary was shit. We went to a con and he complained and we left early, I didn’t go to panels or see my friends. We didn’t speak till dinner, which he didn’t think we were even doing. He didn’t touch me at all, no holding hands, nothing. Food was good, but it was… meh.

I’ve been feeling like shit about friendships. N has been helping with that. But E posted a thing about the performance matters strike. I liked it. It was the shit article, she meant to share the rebuttal post. I knew this, obviously, since she is dating a VA. So I liked it, because obvious reasons. Well, her boyfriend, D, messaged me kind of telling me off about it and why it upset him and told me to “read the things before [I] go liking everything”. Wow. Ouch. I apologized and explained everything and apologized again. All I got in response was a “I gotcha”. This shouldn’t bother me so much, but it does. I look up to him, as a fan of his voice acting, as a fan of his band, and as a friend. I thought about sending another message today reiterizing everything (we’re going to a party together Saturday and I really dont want things sour between us) and offering support and shit. But then I remind myself, I explained and apologized already. I don’t owe him any more than that. It hurts. I’m bad with friends.

I guess I work really hard to impress people, to try to get close. And I’ve got really bad imposter syndrome, so this just makes it worse.

So I’ve got this weekend to look forward to and if he is still sour, I’m going to try really hard to not let it bother me. N, another friend, and I have a hotel room together and we’re oging to have a good time. And next weekend I’m going up to N’s place and we’re going to spend the weekend being supportive for each other and having fun and telling the rest of the world to fuck off. I know, its two weekends leaving husband by himself, but I need this.

 

Kind of emotionally detached hunger

I’ve needed to write this. I need to write this because there is no one I can tell.

My doctor’s appointment was today. She asked how the Cymbalta is working for me. I’ve accepted my depression isn’t going away. Maybe its the Cymbalta, or maybe its how I’ve learned to cope as of late, but I disassociate for the most part now when I feel myself falling. I told her that. She said that’s good. Is it? I guess. It means I’m not actively planning an immediate suicide. But I’ve become obsessive about my weight loss. I’ve started smoking secretly. I drink coffee like its water. I’m slowly killing myself, and I know this, and I don’t even care.

Our relationship has been falling apart. It’s been doing this for… god, years?

My childhood neighbor passed away last week. He was 68. He had a stroke and died. My family and I went to his funeral Friday. Seeing his wife and daughter broken, he was a happy, kind soul, taken too soon. I felt guilt for feeling the things I have towards my marriage. I left that wanting to try harder with husband. I went up to his work (my parents are his bosses, so its no big deal) as he had like 20 minutes left. I wanted to go out to dinner with him. I was playing with his phone because mine was dead and I was out of data. I looked at his browser history. I have trust issues, back when we were together in college, we weren’t officially exclusive, but I told him if he wanted to be with anyone else in any capacity (physically or romantically) to tell me, because I wasn’t going to be a side chick. I wasn’t going to share. I had to find out via being obsessive and nosey that he was pursuing a relationship with a few different girls during that time. That all stopped when we became exclusive, but my trust issues remained. I haven’t had the feelings warranted since then, thankfully. But I still look. Habit, mostly.

He hadn’t deleted his browser history this time. He normally does. He had been looking at porn. Now, our sex life has been… less than great, and I know this. But he wants me to flip a switch and be horny and I can’t. He doesn’t try to get me there, just wants me to already be there. I don’t have something against porn in general. However, when you see your relationship falling apart and then you see that… well, not good. Plus, when he looked at porn in the past, it made him more demanding, less romantic, less affectionate. It had a lot of negative affects on our relationship so I had asked him not to. Seeing that crushed me, especially since I was so emotionally vulnerable in that moment.

When we got home he asked what was wrong. I asked him how long he’d been looking at it.

“A while”

He promised not to (after I pushed the issue) and kept turning it away from that topic. He kept saying he loves me and wants to be intimate with me. He said he didn’t want to need it, he felt like a piece of shit when he watched it, that he didn’t like it. Obviously he liked it enough if he’s been watching it “a while”. He’s tried since then to be better. I want to believe it will get better between us. However, to be quite frank, that hurt more than I care to admit and I don’t really believe him. I want to, yes, but I don’t. I just don’t. We had good sex yesterday. But that doesn’t mean shit to me right now.

Every time I think about it, I feel this lump in my throat, I feel a pit in my gut. I keep pushing it away. I want to not feel. I started smoking the very next day. I’m using every escape I can muster.

I want to reach out to my girls, but where do I begin? How do I start that conversation? I just… want to disappear. Instead, I force myself to not feel. To get out of my body.

 

Numbness, or something close

I haven’t written in a while, because I’ve crawled out of deep depression but the last couple of weeks I’ve been numb. Husband wants sex a lot, but I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. A friend sent me some smut and I was able to get off to that, and so the fear is that I’m just not sexually attracted to him anymore. I keep pushing that fear away because its an issue I don’t want to address for as long as possible. I know thats not the right way of approaching things, but here I am.

I’ve been hype over some video game stuff coming up and I’ve in general been gaming a lot more lately, which forces me to feel. But otherwise, I feel nothing. My friends all seem to be in bad places so I provide the positive support they need. I’m glad I can do that.

I’ve been getting cosplay ready for approaching cons. THat’s been fun. Positive. I feel like maybe this is dissassociation? I have to constantly remind myself “you feel this way” about things. “you’re happy” “you’re angry” “you’re sympathetic” “you need to eat because you’re hungry, don’t ignore that” “you’re tired, sleep”

It’s very… its supposed to be concerning. I feel nothing.

Lean back and breathe

Do you know how many people in my life know about this blog? Zero. None. There is a reason for that. Well, the day after my last post, his behavior changed. And because he appears to be putting in more of an effort, I’ve agreed to sex more often. I still find myself not at all aroused, but I’ll do it nonetheless. I’m trying. I want to be turned on. But I’m just not right now.

My life is very stagnant right now otherwise. Work is boring. They aren’t giving me much to do. I’ve been tasked with:
-Test the program and find bugs. Mind you, its a simple database. I can only test so much.
-Become familiar with the goals moving forward. Done.
-Start familiarizing myself with Google Polymer. Okay, a lot of what I need require tinkering with actual code and until I get that, I’m just reading a whole lot of nothing.

So I’ve been working from home, which translates to not doing anything, but pretending I am. I count the hours regardless. I shouldn’t, I know, but whatever.

My hypersomnia is killing me. I’m so tired right now. I just want to sleep. I can’t leave yet though. I haven’t even been here an hour.Fuuuuuck

Can nobody hear me?

He still hates the piercing. Its been two weeks and he’s called it gross and pointless several times. I gave myself and undercut. He flipped shit. Said I wasn’t interested in being the woman he met (reminder: I was 14 when we met) and that it looks stupid and lopsided. I then cut the rest of my hair bob length. It looks better that way. Guess what, he hates that too. Said not to ask what he thinks about my appearance because “if I can’t say something nice I won’t say anything”. Said “my opinion clearly doesn’t matter”. So, fan-fucking-tastic. He had a fit when I turned down sex again the other night. I ended up just doing last night so he wouldn’t fuss again. I didn’t get off, I wasn’t even aroused, not at all. He didn’t seem to care. Hopefully this will hold him off for a while. Two nights in a row he didn’t kiss me goodnight.

I love him, but frankly, I don’t think our marriage is working. That scares the hell out of me. I don’t know what to do with that. I think he’s in denial. I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore. I thought it was just no sex drive but my friends and I were sending nudes the other day to each other and I was really fucking turned on looking at one of them. This is a nightmare. I spoke to my sister a little bit about it. I asked her not to tell my parents.

I’ve found myself considering what I’d do if this does end up falling apart. Move. Richmond, Baltimore, Philly, NYC, LA, hell, maybe Harrisonburg. Just away. A city. I’d probably go back to grooming honestly. Live in a flat. I’d want the cat, he’d probably take the dogs realistically. We’d have to sell the house. I’d be so poor. I hate that I’ve put this much thought into it. I hate all of this. I feel like my life is falling apart. Then the depression sinks in and I become suicidal again.

This is bad. This is very bad. I want to talk to him about it, but I’m so scared that if I do, it will make it happen. I don’t know how I feel or what I want anymore.

You’d think hair is made of marble

I’m 25, 26 on Tuesday. Since 21, I’ve gotten tattoos (up to 11 with no intention of stopping). I’ve had multiple piercings in my life (all in my ears). I’ve changed my hair every 6 months since I was 13. And yet when I approach my husband about getting an undercut today, he acts like tattoos, piercings and haircuts are completely new.

“FUCK NO”

That’s what the text said when I asked his opinion. He’s very angry now. He thinks I’m changing. He’s accusing me of not wanting to be the woman he met. Of course I’m not the woman he met, I was 14 then. Tattoos have always been discussed at length. Suddenly, they have become an issue with him. I want my lip and septum pierced. He hates it, so I settled on just ear piercings and got the industrial. But that’s not good enough. He wants no piercings. Now, my hair is his control apparantly.

It’s only recently he’s become so controlling. I suspect its rooted in insecurity. Our sex life is minimal. Frankly, I’m just not horny anymore. Not for anyone or anything. It has nothing to do with him. But I try, and I have sex every week or so (sometimes twice a week) FOR HIM. But that’s not good enough. He wants more. Daily. He thinks sex=happy marriage. Maybe for him. And frankly, I’d be willing to have sex every day if I felt like i could do what I want otherwise. And I suppose I still could. But those are fights I don’t want to have.

I love my husband very much. But days like today, I just wonder what is happening with us and how things are going to be in the long run.

When horror stops being so scary

I’ve been trying to ignore the nagging feeling of my depression trying to pull me back down. For the most part, lately, it has worked. However, I’m not sure how long I can hold it back.

A good friend of mine is staying with me for a couple of days. She’s bipolar, so we have the depressive aspect in common. We were discussing how December through June were especially hard for both of us. I was able to casually and honestly discuss my depressive feelings without judgement.

“I was standing at work almost every day wondering where the nearest train was and how fast it was going because I was ready to lay in front of it”

“Same, I was standing on a bridge with H and thinking about how badly I wanted to throw myself off it”

I love my husband, but if I said that statement (the first one was me by the way) to him, he wouldn’t know how to handle it. People who don’t suffer with these feelings don’t fully comprehend what they mean.

There’s comfort in knowing someone else gets it, without judgement.